I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
