FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
