i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
