if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
