You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
