So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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