The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
