ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
