I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
40s are totally the cure
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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