ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
