i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
