I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
