She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
