I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
