You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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