Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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