OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dicks are not precious.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
