Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
