have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
