Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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