i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
