All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it's great music for shaving your balls
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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