please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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