haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
