Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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