I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got inside last night via doggy door
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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