We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
