I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
