When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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