you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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