Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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