I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
