Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
