Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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