Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
