why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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