he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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