I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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