I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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