I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
