I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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