You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
