I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
