i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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