I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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