i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
