just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
