so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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