I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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