I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
