i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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