I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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