I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
