im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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